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August 2nd, 2004


Utah Man Arrested for Removing Tags from Mattress


SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (Rooters) Utah man arrested for slicing tags on old mattress and throat of young wife.


Mark Hacking has been a household name the past few weeks since the Utah police considered him a 'person of interest' in the disapperance of his old mattress. He reported the mattress missing 24 hours after its disapperance. His story made national headlines after police found the tags from his old mattress in his home and discovered that his wife had been missing as well. Hacking has confessed to the crimes and is expected to be charged for removing the tags, and the wife. The prosecution's case will be solid once investigators, who are currently searching for evidence, locate the mattress, and the wife, at the local landfill.


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August 1st, 2004


Zosie Traded to the Coyotes


CLINTON, Maryland (Rooters) One month after signing with the Yellow Jackets, Zosie was traded to the Non-Descript Coyotes today minutes before the trade deadline.


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July 15th, 2004


Get This Look!


The Troubled Times Fashion Section is unveiling sizzling summer styles and exploring What's Sexy NOW!


Zosie reveals a hot look for July...literally. Nothing says hot and retro like a linen jacket in a warm car, set to the musical stylings of Glenn Frey. Five o'clock shadows and pastel aqua colored shirts will be knockin' them dead at the beach this summer, get this look now.
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July 8th, 2004


Jennifer Garner Arrested


HOLLYWOOD, California (Rooters) Actress Jennifer Garner was finally arrested today and formally charged with exposing a minor to adult situations


Agents from Child Protective Services reviewed Garner's new film 13 Going On 30. After a thorough investigation during the past month, the agents in connection with the police arrested Garner and the film's producers, charging them with exposing a minor to adult situations.


Garner and her lawyers are expected to contest the charges. Yet the public is already outraged that anyone, especially a celebrity, would take a teenager out of his or her environment and then force upon them adult themes and the physical and emotional stress associated with big city life.


This is not the first instance of a celebrity taking advantage of a child. Actor Tom Hanks was arrested in New York in 1988 for a similar incident involving a minor.
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July 6th, 2004


Zosie Makes Varisty, History!


BRANDYWINE, Maryland (Rooters) One full decade after the mid-nineties, Zosie secures a spot on the Gwynn Park High School Varsity Baseball Team.


Many know Zosie as the happy-go-lucky clerk/lifetime student. Well now he's back...back to being a student of the game. During the course of the summer break, Zosie picked up where he left off with the High School baseball program and has been working and training to make it back to the top.


This week, after years of struggle and heartbreak, this mid-twenties slugger has finally reached a pinnacle dreamed about since childhood.


In a press conference held today, Zosie stated that "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. The game and the years though have taken their toll on me. It was a long journey and like all journeys it has its end. So I close in saying that I might have had a bad break, but I have an awful lot to live for.


His manager went on to say that he'd "seen alot of things in his days of managing teams and in the sport, but never someone making varisty after a 9 year absence from public school and after 7 years of college...impressive."
More of this on the next page)


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June 28th, 2004


Nation turns its attention to starving Olsen Twin


LOS ANGELES, California (Rooters) In a surprise twist of events, The Nations shifts its focus from the transfer of power in Iraq, to pop icon Mary Kate Olsen's eating disorder.


Sources say that the recently turned 18 year old former child star has entered a program for treatment of an eating disorder which is reported to be anorexia.
Much of the nation and the press had been focused on the historic events surrounding the shift of power from the United States to the new interim government in Iraq. But after news broke on the slighlty slender condition of the 18 year old actress, many citizens shifted their focus from the events in Iraq to the gossip surrounding this Olsen Twin. Many soldiers and civilians have found it quite easy to change over signs, yellow ribbons and posters from saying 'support our troops' to 'support our twins'.


Mary Kate said she was "thankful for the encouragement and support of her friends and family, who are with her every step of the way. This small set back shouldn't delay the other rumors surrounding the future playboy shoot for my sister and myself...they like 'em skinny over there."
The twins have been in the public eye since they were 9 months old, starring in the television sitcom "Full House." Co-star Bob Saget stated that he "understood the pressures they've been under, after all, I used to suck dick for coke..."


This columnist finds it very interesting that the citizens of this nation were not more concerned over the other Olsen Twin, Ashley, who by the laws of nature had to pack on a few pounds to compensate for the underweight condition of her counterpart. More of this on the next page)


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June 24th, 2004


Contraction leads to removal of 31st tooth


OXON HILL, Maryland (Rooters) A year and a half later after the removal of the 32nd tooth (Wisdom tooth #17), contraction continues as the 31st tooth (Wisdom tooth #1) is removed.


Zosie was quoted as saying "it's a sad day when we had gotten up to 32 teeth in the league, and then contraction comes in and we're down to 30. If we lose two more we'll be down to the original 28. Fans just aren't coming out to see the wisdom teeth these days..." (more on the next page)


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June 23rd, 2004


Civilian Not Laid


Only 24 hours after the release of the horrific footage, the American civilian detained in his basement was not laid this evening. The last video footage shows him screaming the phrases 'I'm gonna gets mines' and 'Love me for what I am ladies'. (this non descript civilian remembered on the next page)


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June 22nd, 2004


Civilian Pleas for Sex in Shocking Video


Horrific footage was released today of a man in his mid-twenties stuck inside a damp basement crying out for sex. The video is too graphic for this site to show, but some of its highlights feature repeated crotch-chops and various profane gestures. At one point the man even breaks into song quoting the lyrics of 'Vehicle by The Ides of March' and sings
"I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan won't ya hop inside my car, I got picture, got candy, I'm a loveable man and I can take you to the nearest star"
The singing fades out with an even worse song and dance rendition of 'Gimme Some Lovin' by the Spencer Davis Group' (more on the next page)


You are entitled to your opinion (no matter how wrong it is)


Glenn Frey - You Belong To The City

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